WOLF-DOG HOOKED ON HOLISTIC DOPE

So I have this dog, Herman.  He's gigantic.  He's like, 3 parts wolf and 1 part REALLY BIG DOG. 

Herman is like, really good-looking.  Seriously, he's the best-looking dog I've ever met.  If I were a female dog, I'd definitely marry him.  Well, maybe not marry him right off the bat but definitely date him.  Until I found out he was castrated, at which point I'd STILL use him as arm-candy.  Or paw-candy.  Or pawk-choppy.  Or whatever it is that good-looking dogs call each other.  But let me not digress further, because this is sounding a little odd, even to me.

As attractive as my boy Herm is, he's a bit of a mental case. Poor guy, he did come from rough beginnings.  Meaning: I adopted him when he was barely 7 weeks old, proceeded to spoil the living shit out of him and treat him like a beloved and treasured child.  Herman rewarded my efforts by completely losing his mind when he realized that occasionally I have to leave the house without him in order to go to work or perhaps even see a show or go to a restaurant for a few hours.   Oy, the chaos.  The destruction.  And of course, the incessant BELLOWING.  I should also mention that this is one of the loudest fucking creatures on God's green earth.

Now 4 years later, the separation anxiety is somewhat under control but Herman is still a very special lad.  He can't take much.  He's the jumpy type.  He gets real frantic over seemingly insignificant things.  Like the sight of a really small pitbull puppy on our block that resembled a bald, white baby pig.  When the little neighbor kid brought the clueless little thing over to make its introduction infront of our house, Herman nearly had an epileptic seizure.  He's never quite recovered.  And that's just one example. 

So you may just well imagine what thunderstorms or unfamiliar visitors or people in wheelchairs or kids on skateboards to do his nerves.  None of it is pretty and all of it can be pretty mortifying, from an owners' (that would be me)  point of view. 

But I've been rescuing animals since I could escape my family's backyard as a toddler, and despite Herman's extraordinary needs, there's no way I'd ever give up on this guy.  Plus, he's got a heart of gold.  He's a true champ.  He's smart as a whip and his love for me and my husband knows no bounds.  I know he'd lay his life down for me, just as sure as I know that he may one day possibly do me in with the very same unsuspecting enthusiasm.

I'm always on the look-out for helpful, CALMING remedies for Herm and praise She-sus, I think I may have found us a cure.  Now, I don't want to get too excited about this because it's only been two days since I began dosing the big guy, BUT...I discovered a product over at our local K-9 KATERER's store called: "PET CALM", made by a company called Richard's Organics.   It comes in a dropper bottle, and it's specifically made for 'Stress and Anxiety'.

On the day I brought this stuff home, we had a tornado here in Queens.  (Man, that sounds so strange, even on paper.  Well, even on screen.  On blog screen.)  Anyhow, I gave Herman his first dose of this PET CALM right before this tornado hit.  Mind you, I had no idea this was gonna be a TORNADO - I don't think anybody did at that point - it just seemed like there was a bad thunderstorm brewing and that was good enough for me to give this product a try.  Let me tell you something - shocker - it really seemed to work. 

During an awful storm, Herman's usual modus operandi is to hurl his lanky, 120 lb. frame directly at me, wherever I happen to be.  If I'm seated, I'm pretty much squashed and nearly suffocated until I can crawl out from beneath him.  He then claws at me, crying, barking, claws frantically at the floors, the doors, claws the furniture, gnashes his teeth and rolls his eyes like a horse trapped in a burning barn.  And this pretty much continues for the duration of said storm.

Anyhow, Herm got his first dose about 20 minutes prior to this freaking TORNADO hit.  Astoundingly, while he was definitely neither happy or pleased about this turn of events, instead of exhibiting his usual behavior - uh - quirks - he simply went into the kitchen and plopped himself down on the floor.  He looked worried, yes.  But that was it.  He just SAT THERE LOOKING WORRIED and THAT WAS IT.

The ingredients in this stuff is as follows:  Valerian, Chamomile, Hops, Passion Flower, Scull Cap, Fructose and Deionized Water.  Even after the tornado I really dared not believe that our solution could be this simple.  Until today.  Herman was completely losing his mind this morning because the boiler dude was working in the basement.  Whenever the boiler dude works in the basement (i.e: clanging of wrenches, various unfamiliar voices accompanied by BOILER sounds, etc.) Herman goes into a nearly catatonic state of panic which is comprised of him salivating incontrollably, moaning and  pacing the entire apartment, jumping from chair to sofa to chair.  Oh, and also clawing at my arms as if to say: "DO SOMETHING WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.   A MONSTER IS IN THE BASEMENT AND WE HAVE TO EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY."  Mind you, Herman has MET the boiler dude.  He has seen him, he has smelled his hand and been patted by the boiler dude.  And it doesn't matter ONE BIT, once they begin working, all bets are off and it's MONSTER TIME.

So I lunged for my trusty bottle of PET CALM and dosed that sucker faster than you can say LOBOTOMY.  And do you know - it worked AGAIN.  Nearly INSTANT CALM.  This was hours ago, and Herman is still laying at my feet, snoring. 

Man, o man - I will never be without this stuff again.  I only pray it doesn't  lose effectiveness like, you know, when you need more and more dope to get high or some shit.  Not that I know anything about that, because I don't but I've heard the rumors and I watch movies.