So there I was…waking up the morning after my double-whammy, extra-extra-special, ACTION-PACKED PANIC ATTACK DELUXE DAY! I felt completely beat-up. It was worse than having the worst hangover, because I hadn’t technically slept. Rather, it had been a seemingly endless night of fitful half-dozes, wakes and starts.
I was not really in my right mind as I set about my life as per usual. But I dunno, I guess I thought that if I just carried on as tho’ nothing out of the ordinary had happened the day before that maybe…just maybe…everything would just return to normal (whatever that was).
My then-husband had already left for work. I took a deep breath and got out of bed. Showered, dressed, had some coffee, tended my pets. I kept telling myself that I felt fine. A little worn out, but I was fine. And especially once I got to work, I’d get into my daily routine and be just fine.
Except I wasn’t fine. During my drive to work, I was about a block away from my office when the now sickeningly familiar tunnel-vision began to overtake me, along with the copter-whirring sound effects thrumming in my ears. It occurs to me that this was the sound of my own blood coursing thru my veins, the sound of my heart palpitating out of control.
Forced to pull over, I now sit parked directly next to a sprawling cemetery. I catch sight of myself in the rearview mirror and I don’t recognize my own eyes, which are positively deranged with terror. It takes awhile for me to stabilize enough in order to drive again, and when I do it is straight back home that I drive. I make it, but it’s not a fun drive. I curl up in a ball, in bed once more. This time, I sleep solidly for nearly 10 hours.
When I wake up, my answering machine is filled with messages from my job looking for me. Also messages from my mom. I call mom back just to let her know I’m still alive. Then I leave a voice-message at the shit-head office letting them know that I will be out for at least a week, taking some personal time.
Then I tear the house apart looking for my GHI health benefit pamphlets. Got my work cut out for me: I need to find me a shrink. IMMEDIATELY.
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