DOCTOR D.

“Passion-killers, ‘round ev’ry corner, watch out where you tread…

  You know there’s always gonna be some fucker wants to play around with your head.

I took control -  because I know

 That it’s not always what you think…

  And ya just gotta feel real lucky, now baby –

   If you find yourself a decent shrink.”

*  ~  Me ~ *

 * * * * * *

Yeah, so good ole’ Doctor D. was a real champ.  Turns out I DID get real lucky first time outta the gate and he WAS the shrink fer me!  I mean, hell – I even wrote a song in his honor!  Over the next two months or so, I made some real progress on the Anxiety Front and I’ll be damned if I coulda done so without Doc’s insights and support. 

Doc displayed an uncanny faculty in helping me draw my own conclusions as to where all my underlying anxiety was coming from.  These were not happy conclusions by any means.  Many were painful and shameful.  Long buried self-denial and the acknowledgment of avoiding vital responsibilities.  Fun stuff!  Good times!  But it’s all very necessary to confront if you’re serious about getting on with the healing process.

I realize that many people remain in therapy for years. (Just look at Woody Allen!) But I said good-bye to my beloved Doctor D. after about 8 visits.  He kinda even kicked me out….

We’re sitting companionably across from one another in his cave-shrink-room.  It is our last visit, but I don’t realize it yet.  A lot has happened since our very first appointment 8 weeks ago:  I’ve quit my job of 9 stagnant years and found another.  I’ve quit working in a ‘cover band’ (which I had grown to hate like poison) and was forming my first-ever original project featuring my own songs AND I’ve taken up meditation, yoga and begun exploring Middle-Eastern philosophy.  

And while I’ve had some tricky moments here and there, I have not suffered any more panic attacks since the moment that I met Doctor D.

Doc D.: “So!  You’re looking happy!”  He’s right.  We’re actually both smiling.

Me: “I am?  I didn’t realize.”

Doc. D.: “That’s the best kind of happy.  Effortless.  Natural.”

Me: “Well, I guess I’m excited.  I wrote another song this morning.  They’re coming fast lately.”

Doc. D.: “Wonderful!”  We look at each other, still smiling. “Anything on your mind today?”

Me: “Hmmm. I…wow!  I guess…I’m not sure?”

Doc. D.: “Any plans today?”

Me: “I have a band rehearsal later…”

Doc. D.: “Great.  And how’s that all going?  How’s the new band shaping up?”

Me: “Really good!  I’m loving it.”

Doc. D.: “And the new job?”

Me: “Well, it’s another office job, you know.  Nothing earth-shattering.  But I AM meeting some cool people that I’m liking alot.  Making new friends.”

Doctor D. is quiet, nodding and smiling thoughtfully.  Then:

Doc. D.: “Lynn, you don’t belong here anymore.” 

I guess I look a little stricken, or at least surprised.

Doc. D.: “Of course, if you really feel you need to see me, you’re welcome to. My door will always be open.  But from what you’ve shown me, I don’t think there’s anything else I can do for you.  You took the ball and you ran with it.  Just keep on keeping on like that and see where it takes you."

And as soon as he says it, I know he’s right.  But I feel a little choked up.

Me: “Should I leave now?”

Doc. D.: (chuckles) “Well, we still have about half an hour.  We could chat a bit yet.”

Me: “You’ve helped me so much.”

Doc. D.: “I’m glad.  But you did most of it, you have to know that.”

Me: “I’ll write a song about this someday.”

Doc. D.: “I bet you will.”

We’re quiet for a moment.  Then, out of the blue:

Me: “SO, who was the craziest person you ever had as a patient?”

He bursts out laughing and proceeds to tell me all about this insane, evil woman who scared the shit out of him with the horrible, sickening things she told him about herself at every appointment.  I beg him for the gory details, but he laughingly refuses.  It just wouldn’t be professional and besides, he wants me to leave his office with only GOOD thoughts in my head.

And then our time is up.  We stand and shake hands for our second and last time. 

Doctor D.: “GO!  Enjoy your LIFE.”

So I do.

* * * * * * *