FOUR MINUTES TO WAPNER

I have a very strange story to tell, so I'll just tell it.

Once I went for a 'spur-of-the-moment-haircut' on Jamaica Ave., here in Queens.   I just was walking around Queens one day, and my hair was making me sick, and I go into this tiny, hole-in-the-wall shop.

There's this broad there who looks like a Puerto Rican Dolly Parton.  A little ragged, in her late 30's or possibly early 40's.  Bleached-blonde WALL OF HAIR.  Big red lips.  Tiny little waist and gigantic breasts busting out of a gold lame` tube top - I don't think they were implants, they were just gigantic is all.   

So she's in this little storefront, standing by the one decrepit barber's chair, a little Yorkie dog snarling at her feet.  She's got a glass filled with water and a couple of scissors….I dunno what the hell.  

As soon as I walk in off the street, her Yorkie starts attacking me and I'm like: "I'm sorry to bother you…let me go…"

And she's like: "NO SIT DOWN," grabs my arm, her dog is now BITING at my feet, but…"SIT DOWN, WHAT DO YOU NEED, MAMI?  I'll give you a nice STYLE…"

So I do, I sit down.  The Yorkie settles.  And this woman starts snipping away at my hair, she goes:

"You have a beautiful face, you know.  But you dress like a hippie.  But hippies are good, too."

Gee.

Me: "Well, thank you.  (???)  So, please don't cut too much."

Hair Broad: "Well, you need a lot. Sorry. But it's all dead.  Your hair is all dead."

Me: "Oh.  Well, wow.  Really?"

HB: "Do you know that I'm going to go on JUDGE WAPNER?"

Me: "What?"

HB: "The woman I once worked for…she owned a salon in Manhattan.  And I was her most POPULAR SYLIST.  And then - for no reason - except because maybe her husband was in love with me - she FIRED ME…."

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TO BE CONTINUED….