I went for an early morning swim today at the Aquatic Center here in Queens. I’ve gotten pretty hooked on these swim sessions, this marvelous form of moving meditation, if you will.
But sometimes ya get these other swimmers, they just can’t stay in their lane. They have no concept of what a lane IS. To them, it’s just one, big free-for-all of flailing, spastic, grunting, splashing, gasping, what-have-you, motion. And they’re in your lane. And they inevitably smash into you. You TRY like hell to avoid them, but they always manage. And then they either say SORRY and keep going or they try to pin it on YOU like YOU did something wrong and then everybody gets all pissy like I did today with this one guy.
But it only lasted for maybe 20 seconds, this back-and-forth:
Me: “DUDE, stay in your LANE.”
Dude: “I IN LANE. YOU STOP.” (the dude was Chinese)
Me: “What? Stop what? JUST STAY IN YOUR FREAKING LANE, DUDE.”
Dude: “NO. YOU DUDE. YOU STOP.”
So of course I was not gonna get very far with this guy, and I just went to another lane. And the rest of the swim was nice and mellow. But the whole thing got me to thinking kinda philosophically about relationships in general, and why we get annoyed a lot of the time…
We get annoyed because many people are spatially challenged. They don’t respect or even understand the “boundary” thing. Whether it be in how they speak to other people or how they don’t have the sense or the decency to KEEP YOUR DISTANCE a little, you know? FEEL THINGS OUT before you get all up in somebody’s B.I. Bidness. It should be a simple thing, but all too often it’s just not.
Hey, I’ve been guilty of it, I’m sure. But you live and you learn these things and some folks are slower on the uptake, which brings me back to LISA, the gal from my last two installments here.
I guess Lisa annoyed me so much because of her lack of boundary awareness. Constantly talking about her own stupid shit all day long, regardless of whether anybody wanted to hear it or not. I mean, she was probably just a hapless soul who needed someone to talk to and undoubtedly she annoyed LOTS of people but instead of picking up on the boundary thing, she just went the other way and went all whole-hog with the boring, retarded details of her life until everyone wanted to puke from boredom and brain-deadness. But be that as it may…
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Lisa charges in to my office one fine day: “I’m going over to PAPA JOHN’S.”
Me: “You off the Atkins?”
Lisa: “NO! Are you KIDDING? I lost 10 pounds in 10 days! I’M DOING GREAT!”
I should interject here that Lisa is not particularly overweight. She’s a short gal in her early 30’s, of average weight and bodily dimensions. Not a bombshell or anything. Just a short, average-built gal. With one hopelessly whiny, shrill, cloying speaking voice.
I have noticed that she’s lost some weight, tho’. You can mostly see it in her face, which is looking drawn and she’s sporting some darkish circles under her eyes that are new. Oddly, you can also see it in her hands. They look very fragile and vein-y. I don’t know what makes me notice this, but I do. She also seems even more jittery and neurotic than usual (if that’s even possible). And you can smell her breath from clear across the room.
Me: “So you’re just going to torture yourself by smelling the pizza?”
Lisa: “NO! I’m gonna order 3 slices and JUST EAT THE CHEESE AND THE SAUCE! I DON’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T THINK OF THIS SOONER!”
Me: “Eureka!”
Lisa: “AND I’m gonna get pepperoni and sausage and MEATBALLS and EXTRA CHEESE, even. Because I can have as much of THOSE as I want! I LOVE this diet!”
Me: “I know you do, Lisa. I can hear it in your voice.”
Lisa: “So DO YOU want the CRUSTS?”
Me: “What?”
Lisa: “I’ll bring you the crust parts after I scrape the cheese off!”
Instead of saying: Fuck you, Lisa (my first inclination) I say: “Hey, I’m gonna pass on that. But thanks!”
Lisa: “O, COME ON! I don’t want to WASTE IT!”
Again, sooooo close to a Fuck you, Lisa, but instead: “Then give it to pigeons on the sidewalk.”
Lisa: “Should I? Or maybe Rita wants them?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s a great idea. Go ask Rita.”
Turns out Rita didn’t want the crusts, either. Shocker.
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But anyhow, things get hectic at work and I forget about Lisa’s big PAPA JOHN PLAN. That is until I am passing by her little office on my way to the bathroom. I glance in to see Lisa sitting at her desk despondently gnawing on a Snickers Bar of all things.
I cannot resist: “Hey, what’s this - a Snickers Bar? Ole’ Doc Atkins getting a little bit relaxed with his program or what?
Lisa: “Please. It’s gonna take me a whole ‘nother week to go back into ketosis. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO OPEN THAT GODDAMN PAPA JOHN’S. GOD DAMN THEM. AND I HAVE SUCH A BAD HEADACHE. DAMN IT.”
Apparently, the pigeons also turned down THE CRUSTS because she ended up eating all three pizza slices in their entirety and then chasing those down with not one but two Snickers Bars.
I remember trying that Atkins Diet once. Years ago. I was on it for about 3 weeks, actually, and I did lose some weight. But the whole time I felt like somebody was tightening a giant rubber band around my forehead and I was horribly aware of my breath stinking to high heaven from that ketosis jazz and after back-sliding on 3 or 4 saltines I slowly gained everything I lost back and then some.
So I can definitely relate to that headache thing.
To be continued…
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