Boy, Halloween was a real bust around here this year. Terrible-to-non-existent costumes, lackluster children, many of whom bordered on dirt-bag adulthood. My favorite holiday really took a dive this year, at least in the trick-or-treat department. But I don’t care. Me and my peeps still had a really, really good one. You just can’t ruin that day for me.
So speaking of SCARY - where I left off on this blog thing, I was sort of tee-ing off about that audiologist chick Lisa from my last office gig. That oblivious idiot. The one who neglected her poor, deaf, elderly clientele and who only cared about her daily fast-food jaunts. Oh, and the Atkins Diet. At some point she became manically obsessed with the Atkins Diet but I’ll get to that later…
And I have no idea why this broad needed to commute from Jersey like a lunatic nearly every day to come to this crappy little room she rented at our place. Her husband owned a car dealership, for chrissake. They were apparently loaded. So it’s like she just needed to get out and keep busy and drive all day long, and eat fast food 3 hours away from home for some reason. Lunatic.
She also had this nasty little daughter who she brought to the office with her every once in awhile. This was the nastiest little bitch-child you ever met. And she was only like 3 years old! I didn’t know 3-year-olds could be so horrible, but she was definitely one of those bad seed types you hear about. Granted, she had a horrible mother-figure as an example, but she was really over the top.
So you’d hear, (loud from the hallway because they were both loud) Lisa talking to this kid:
Lisa: “Honey, don’t touch that machine. That’s mommy’s SPECIAL HEARING MACHINE…”
Devil Child: “I’m just LOOKING AT IT.”
Lisa (after a long pause and some suspicious rattling/clanking noises): “Honey…please don’t do that. Why don’t you play with the new Barbie I bought you this morning?”
Devil Child: “I don’t WANT the stupid BARBIE. She’s UGLY. I’m PLAYING WITH THIS…”
Or….
Lisa: “Honey, do you want some chocolate milk from DUNKIN’ DONUTS? Should mommy go get you some?”
Devil Child (roaring, pounding the desk): “GET ME SOME NOW.”
Lisa: “Okay, honey. But do you want hot cocoa or regular chocolate milk?”
Devil Child (hissing like a demon): “JUST GET ME SOME NOW. NOW, MOMMY. NOW.”
Lisa: “Okay, honey.”
I guess this was the basic child-rearing protocol in that family or something: The Insane, Disgustingly Disrespectful Method, and this kid was right on board with the program.
Next in line on the bitch-train and passing with flying colors.
* * * * * *
One day Lisa comes busting in to my office. She’s got some big news.
Lisa: “I’m sooooooo pissed off! They’re opening a PAPA JOHN’s across the street!”
Me: “You hate pizza or what?” I don’t even look up from my computer. These tirades are typical.
Lisa: “NO! I LOVE pizza! But I started THE ATKINS DIET THIS WEEK!”
Me: “Oh, right. No bread.”
Lisa: “Well, I don’t care. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m LEAVING WORK EARLY and STOPPING ON MY WAY HOME to pick up some LOBSTER TAILS and BUTTER. On the Atkins Diet, you can eat as much lobster and butter as you want. You can have like FOUR TAILS if you’re that hungry. And a WHOLE STICK OF BUTTER...I don’t care. I’ll eat a whole stick if it comes to that.”
Me: “That’s showin’ ‘em Lisa.”
Lisa: “But I still can’t believe they’re OPENING A PAPA JOHN’S THIS WEEK OF ALL WEEKS!!! I’M SO DEPRESSED!”
Me: “Try to be strong.”
Lisa: “But you know what ELSE? THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT…”
Me: “Wow, really?”
Lisa: “REALLY!! My LANDSCAPER doesn’t have the TREES that I want put into my front walkway at home. I ordered SIX of these GORGEOUS TREES…I don’t remember what they’re called…but they’re NOT AVAILABLE until NEXT MONTH. And we’re throwing a HUGE PARTY FOR MY DAUGHTER NEXT WEEK because she’s GRADUATING NURSERY SCHOOL. How the HELL can I throw a party without these trees? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. DAMMIT, WHY IS ALL OF THIS HAPPENING TO ME?? WHY NOW? WHY MEEEEEEEEEEE?”
Me: “You can’t question these things, Lisa. You just have to hang in there and pray that life will improve at some point.”
To be continued… * * * * * *
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