And ya know something - I must be slipping a little to not have remembered until just now that Stashley probably got his nickname due to his frigging gigantic moustache! For cryin' out loud! Yes of course - that large, black, quivering caterpillar on his upper lip. It HAD to have been at least a factor, in addition to and aside from his every-present stash of cigs and weed. Right? I just felt the need to mention this…
But anyhow, we pull up at the 102nd Precinct and file in to the stationhouse in cuffed pairs. There are just so many of us marched into this one dank room. Not many chairs, we're all standing around. I remember the walls were painted a sickly teal, just really a hideous shade. As we are ushered in, my mescaline-mouth spouts: "IT'S PEPTO-BISMOL GREEN IN HERE!" Officer Hamburger shoots me a warning look, shakes his head. I quickly go: "SORRY." Sorry? Jeez, I sound like a damn idiot. My voice sounds so fucking loud to me, like outlandishly loud, and I start to really struggle not to bust out laughing. That's all I need. Hamburger: "What now, Millie? YOU NEED SOMETHING?"
I stare at him: "Huh?" And then it takes me a second to realize that I actually said that statement out loud: "That's all I need." I thought I had just said it in my head. So of course, now I DO start to laugh. I am a tripping mess here down at Cop Central, god help me. So in an attempt to make myself appear somewhat coherent, I say: "I - umm - I…I need to take a whiz!"
Hamburger's attention is diverted, as Stash seems ready to collapse. He's still muttering to himself about lithium and doobies - which incidentally and amazingly, given all the fuss he's kicking up about it, the cops never even frisk him for! In fact, they don't frisk any of us. Here I am, prepared for god-knows-what-all from this legendary Hamburger cop especially, but as soon as we get to the stationhouse things get real anticlimactic in a hurry. They un-cuffed us pretty much right away. I immediately put some distance between myself and my date, Stashley, crossing over to the other side of the room.
Me: "Sayonara, Stash. Parting is such sweet sorrow." Buzzing from the mescaline, I am feeling pretty optimistic about being un-cuffed. There's one woman cop here, and right after I get freed from Stash, she wordlessly guides me by my elbow and we go into a restroom together, where she stands across the room from my stall and states flatly: "LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, HONEY." It turns out I don't even have to pee. I pretend to be peeing, but of course there's no sound. She's just looking at me weirdly as I stand up and zip my jeans. She doesn't say anything, tho'. I wash my hands and then we head back to the big party room.
First thing I see when we go back in is Jeanette, the other captured girl, holding a telephone receiver to her ear. It's not a wall phone, but a desk phone. She looks exasperated, is looking up at Hamburger, saying: "What can I tell you? There's nobody home. They must have gone out."I look at over at my friend John questioningly: "What's going on?"
John: "Hamburger's making us call our parents."Me: "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAKING US CALL OUR PARENTS?"
Hamburger: "You heard 'im. Every one of you is gonna call your parents. If they don't come here and collect ya, yer locked up for the night."Me: "JESUS CHRIST! BUT MY PARENTS ARE IN FLORIDA!" (A lie)
Hamburger: "Then you can call 'em COLLECT."Me: "WAIT! They're in HUNGARY!" Hungary?
I decide to shut up and wait my turn. Can't fight City Hall. I'm dead meat, my mother is gonna have a fit. O, well. Won't be the first time and I can pretty much vouch it ain't gonna be the last.One of the younger cops says to Stashley: "You like to run with a fast crowd, huh Grampa?"
And I just can't help blurting out: "Yeah, you gonna make Stashley call HIS mother, too?"The whole room erupts in hysterics: Us kids, all the cops, Officer Hamburger, even Stashley. It's a stellar moment of unrivaled levity, indeed it is…
But it doesn't get me off the hook. I still have to phone The Folks.Mom answers, groggy: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi, Ma…I'm at the police station."Mom: "WHAT? WHO IS THIS?" (Again, I am her only daughter. I still get this all the time.)
Me: "It's Lynn, Ma. I'm at the police station with Jeanette."Mom: "Jeanette who? You're supposed to be sleeping over at Camille's house! WHY ARE YOU AT THE POLICE STATION?"
Me: "We were at a party and the police came..."Mom: "WHAT? WHAT? YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE SO UPSET….WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL HIM…WHAT DID YOU DO….OH MY GOD, LYNN, OH MY GOD - ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH YOU…ALWAYS SOMETHING…."
I actually end up handing the phone to one of the cops: "Officer, can you do me a favor and talk to my mother? She listens to men better than she listens to me."Absolutely insane. At any rate, the cop does make some headway with Ma, and he smooths her over pretty nicely.
Ended up that a bunch of us who tried calling home got either a busy signal or a parentally absentee household. These cops actually had no intention of locking us up overnight. After the last phone call is made, they just turn us all loose on the street and we trek back to our neck of the woods together, one huge pack of Queens vagabonds. About two-thirds of the way home, just as we get to Woodhaven Blvd. and Jamaica Avenue, two cop cars pull up, sirens blaring, their megaphones bellowing at us to FREEZE.
We explain to them that we've just been released from the precinct on our own recognizances. Copper: "Yooz the golf course kids?"
Me: "Yeah, that's us. The Golf Course Kids."They tell us to get going then - to "get our asses off the streets."
Gee, and here that's all we was ever tryin' to do in the first place.
Officer.
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