I feel like I have to write a little bit. Also, I hate when writers or whatever say things like: I feel like I have to write a little bit. Congratulations to me, I am officially at the point in my life where I’m completely annoying myself, effortlessly and with full acknowledgement.
Anyhow, I’m still riding the unemployment train. Won’t be for much longer, tho’. We’ll see. At any rate, I’m almost done (I think) with my MANUSCRIPT. Oh, the omnipresent MANUSCRIPT. But goddammit all anyhow…I know I said I was happily unemployed a few scant weeks ago. But fact of the matter is I do miss one co-worker in particular: Rita. We’ve been in touch ever since the lay-off, but it’s just not the same as seeing her every day and chewing the fat together, talking shit about everything and everyone else in the world. Just not the same.
This woman Rita is so funny, I swear. She’s got a heart of gold. We worked together in the same office for nearly 12 (or 13?) years. Very small neighborhood office, right on Myrtle Avenue.
When I first get hired, Rita has already been there for quite a few years. She’s about 15 or so years older than me. A trim, attractive blue-eyed blonde. Queens all the way, hardcore. Seemingly the quiet type but from the get-go, I sense she’s got some of the devil in her. And I’m not wrong.
We moved our office location 3 times in the time I worked there. It felt like we had to keep moving constantly because of some weird, retarded circumstances. But anyhow this next story that comes to mind took place during the first month or something after I first got hired.
So I was a real “newbie” (ßI hate writers who use that word, too. And now I’m annoyed at me again) at the time. And me and Rita shared our office with this asshole AUDIOLOGIST woman who, I have no idea how she ever became an audiologist. I don’t know what it entails to become one, but this broad was a complete mental patient. Her name was Lisa.
All she wanted to do all day was go across the street to BOSTON MARKET, or DUNKIN’ DONUTS. Every minute Lisa would be running out the door, but coming to either me or Rita first to let us know: “I’M GOING OVER TO BOSTON (or DUNKIN) – SO IF ONE OF MY PATIENTS GETS HERE BEFORE I GET BACK, JUST LET THEM IN AND TELL THEM TO WAIT FOR ME…” and EVERY FUCKING TIME, of course, her patient would arrive while she was still AT BOSTON and they’d be like 50 thousand years old and falling over and we (although it was usually Rita because she sat at the front reception area and I was mostly situated in one of the back offices) had to help the poor old person into the audiologist room and then they’d be waiting for that bitch LISA forever in there but she was too busy sucking down chickens or donuts or whatever and then the old person would eventually come out to either me or Rita (and we’d be totally swamped with our own shit) and be like: “EXCUSE ME…BUT WHERE IS THE AUDIOLOGIST…IS SHE GOING TO BE BACK SOON? BECAUSE MY SON/DAUGHTER IS COMING TO GET ME SOON AND…” and it would be a whole big thing because we’d be like: “Well, she’s across the street at Boston Market…” and they’d be like: “WHAT???? WHAT????” Because of course, they’re deaf. They’re 50 thousand years old and deaf and that’s why they’re even HERE because LISA the AUDIOLOGIST is supposed to be helping them to get a new HEARING AID, only she’s NOT because she’s at fucking DUNKIN DONUTS…
So this one time, this jackass LISA just happened NOT to be at DUNKIN’, she’s actually in her little audiology room. Actually on the premises. And one of her patients comes in, this elderly woman. And damned if this poor lady didn’t walk into the front door and BLAMM, falls right on her face, right on her nose and is bleeding like a mother all over the carpet. Saint Rita jumps up to the rescue and helps this poor old lady, swabbing her nose, mopping up the blood all over the place and that crazy LISA bitch DOESN’T EVEN COME OUT OF HER LITTLE AUDIOLOGY ROOM. No, instead she HIDES in there and never even came out until Rita has cleaned up the poor old lady and the worst of it was over. Then this bitch comes out and is like: “Oh, hi! I’m ready for you now!” I’m ready for you now! Holy shit. That’s the kind of person she was. A real prize.
But the absolute best Lisa-The-Audiologist-Debacle was yet to come…
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